Either I just missed a great opportunity or I just opened a whole new chapter. If I'm basing my current outlook on the track record, though, it's both. Problem is, the new chapter sucks and it's a big letdown from the previous ones. It's hard to really explain how dumbfounded I am by the current situation, but also how excited. My timidity and hesitation may have left me fucked again, but maybe not. That's how it always is with me: diametrically opposed, extremeties poised to polarize and tear each other apart, leaving static in the wake of schism.

I can't keep on like this, conflicted within all the time, never knowing if I made the right decision, regretting the wrong ones, imagining what could have been, over and over again. It seems I get comfortable in this stagnant existence sometimes, like I want to stay under contrived pressure all the time. For who, for what? What is worse than self-torture over external irrelevances?

As much as I want to stay inside, doors locked, music loud and unceasing as to not allow empty thinking space in my mind, full of drugs, full of food, numb to the outside world, no connection, no pain to be caused, I want to stay out, embrace the world and find people to cherish, no thoughts, just living, a continuous spontaneity, discovering unknown wonders, seeking a lover who is true, and never come home again. Sometimes this all seems one big triviality, grossly pondering every insignificant detail. I'll get so wrapped up in trains of snowballing thought. Not even a bystander, just a bypasser, head down, interested but going to exert the effort to involve myself in this world teeming with experience.

As stated, if this new chapter turns out to be fulfilling, perhaps this neurosis will dissipate. Over and over I have proven Uncertainty to myself: the more I try to manipulate an event, the more it mutates, the further away it gets. Now, I must be the event itself, become the experience. This world ebbs and flows, fight the currents and exhaust your perceptions and will, or ride the waves of progression, stability in perpetual chaos.

Don't Costanza this one.