not of knives but of spiritual surgery

It's been awhile. New names, same stories.

Far too often it seems I fall prey to one lying temptress or another. Funny how evil usually has such a beautiful smile, charming my heart, but it's only been filled with emptiness. I don't really want to get into specifics, but the past year or so has been one woman after the other, consistently reducing my faith in humanity which I've been trying to maintain for years. I'm not blameless; I have set myself up for disappointment several times. But it takes two, and how much better the world (not just mine) would be if some of you WOULD JUST OPEN YOUR FUCKING MOUTH AND LET YOUR TRUTH BE KNOWN. That's all on this subject.

This continuous erosion of my faith, however, has cleared the path so to speak. How often my life comes back to some nihilistic transition. All this loss/failure has left me downtrodden surely, but I see so much clearer now. Splinters have been removed now, but I still occasionally feel where they stuck in me. Instead of wallowing in such pain now, I have them as reminders to not ever give myself up in hopes for someone else. I've said it before: if you hope for another to act a certain way, feel a certain way, to be something they arent , you will never EVER be satisfied; you're just fucking yourself. To hell with all that, I'm still here. That you can remember your despair is the best reason to forget it. My bitterness is faint, but I will forever want nothing but misery for some of you. I'm human, so be it. I will enjoy your downfall. I have no compassion as a witness to your demise.